Much like any New Year’s cliché I have decided to reset my attempts at writing. What I have discovered about myself when it comes to being a writer is that I am likely too success driven. Success to me is anything from hearing back from an editor on a pitch or getting somewhere in a writing competition. When that doesn’t happen, combined with general life responsibilities getting in the way, I tend to let it fall again. But here we are, attempt number 567.
2024 was a year where in one sense very little happened but in another sense it was non stop. From a personal perspective, particularly June – November was a constant myriad of appointments, check lists and gasping for breath in between. My breath was held for the majority of it apart from momentary eruptions of emotion where crying wasn’t quite an appropriate description. I discovered my inner banshee as the title suggests. Nonetheless, there was much good that came from those few months. I am keeping that in mind.
I begin 2025 with relief, relief that Christmas has come and gone for another 12 months. I have tried my best to rekindle some kind of fond relationship with the festive period but I fear it can’t ever really recover. Not only does this time of year bring up difficult emotions for people, I believe the commercial pressure is another string to the bow of Christmas downfalls. I realise this is “Grinch” like and I am completely fine with that. Pass me the green face paint and a Santa hat and I’ll gladly ask Jim Carrey for tips on the character. Although frankly, I haven’t even watched the film.
I am also staying away from resolutions. For this new year my aim is to simply conserve my energy. I am quick tempered, fiery and admittedly not a patient soul particularly if I feel I’ve been wronged. However, I no longer want to disrupt my own peace for the sake of someone else’s bad behaviour. People’s actions are on them and I am focusing on my response. There are enough stresses in life and I want to be far more selective on who or what gets my cortisol.
On that note, let’s see how attempt 567 on writing pans out, among other endeavours!
Over the last few months I’ve noticed an insecurity in myself that I thought I was over. Said insecurity being, low self-esteem and comparison to others. In my teens and twenties especially, this was a difficult topic for me. I know what you’re thinking, isn’t everyone drowning in self consciousness in their teens and yes, perhaps so. I’m not saying that’s not the case. I’m just thinking out loud. Now thirty – five, newly married, a home owner in a steady job and in a relatively “secure” place in life I thought I would have outgrown these types of insecurities, but no, they are still there.
In my early twenties Facebook was just taking center stage in society. I recall one of the first times I used it where my heart sunk. Someone I liked at the time and was previously seeing had photos of themselves with their new love interest. Automatically I began to compare myself to them. She was blonde, I was brunette. The list of traits and assumptions as to why she was better than me was extensive. Society should have known then how dangerous a world dominated by social media could become for harbouring low self esteem and comparison. Actually, society probably did know, it just didn’t care. I’m not saying social media is solely responsible for everyone’s issues. That would be a blanket statement of huge proportion. I take full responsibility for the fact that I have my issues and have done plenty of counselling. I make no secret of that. But, just how much worse has Instagram and it’s peers made our confidence?
Instagram for me is the worst culprit. New Year’s Day, I woke up and thought, it’s time for a much needed break from “The Gram”. I’d known for a while I needed a bit of a detox from it but I had been putting it off. However, that morning I just logged out, removed the app from my phone and I don’t miss it…yet. Granted, I am only a week in but even that mental break of just a few days away from the scrolling has done me the world of good. I’ve always been hard on myself. I expect 100% from myself at all times, in everything. I mean everything. As a friend, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, an employee, a wife and everything else. I expect myself to be excelling in everything, have all the answers, never get sick, expect my body and mind to keep up and to look impeccable doing it. Enter Instagram… Oh look, there’s this person I knew 10 years ago doing everything I am trying to do, only they have a better job, clearly have more money, travel all over the world, look incredible and seem to have this unfiltered perfection of a life. Now, just to flag, I am fully aware that with social media we are seeing a very curated portion of people’s lives, but hell, it’s one convincing portrayal if you ask me. People either have mastered the art of having the perfect Insta-life, or, they actually do have the perfect life. Also, to clarify, most of the people in my Instagram are people I once was close to at some point during my life. Of course there are some celebrity accounts, some business accounts and so on but for the most part these are ordinary people. I would also like to point out that I have no malice towards these people but I am simply acknowledging that I don’t find it healthy for me to be seeing it every day.
I’m prone to a selfie as much as the next person, I love fashion and style and I love sharing that. I love travel and sharing that too so perhaps others may look at my grid and think something similar about me. Of course, knowing the in’s and out’s of every detail of my life I know that a lot of what I would post about resembles the picture perfect veil. I do try to post about some of the trickier things that I deal with like anxiety, counselling, migraine, grief & PCOS but at times I think people are thinking “Will she give it a rest”. Fair enough if you do think that by the way. It just feeds the inner fear of are you damned if you do and damned if you don’t talk about the heard things too?
My insecurities are my responsibility, they are mine to feel, mine to learn about and mine to grow from. I know that. I just think there is sometimes still a fear of judgement if we say we are not on social media especially if the reason is because it negatively impacts our mental health. I’ve talked to a few people recently though who have also decided that a break is needed. The fear of missing something no longer worries me. I have a close group of friends and if they have news to share, they’ll contact me and vice versa.
I think if I could reduce my use of social media to just my writing that’s the key. It’s a great platform for me to share articles and interviews or other writing related news but the trick is not to slip into aimless scrolling and watch as the inevitable comparison parties kick in. For the foreseeable my aim is to only share writing updates. I will only share via my desktop and automatically through my website and keep it to a 5 minute deadline. Just enough to post the piece and move on again. Like dropping a post card in a post box … how much simpler was that.
It’s been 2 years since I wrote on my website. 2021 was a great year for my writing and I achieved milestones I thought would only ever be aspirations. 2022 I had started in a new company and decided to focus on that for a while and following on from that came the feat of trying to buy a house in Ireland and then a wedding. So here we are now, in 2024. This year I hope I will have the opportunity to get back into writing again. I am not sure what that looks like just yet. I have another poetry book which I have been working on at an uncharacteristically slow pace, I also have started another book which is much more of a mammoth task. It’s something I have wanted to do for years but something that will likely bring me to places I don’t want to go to. Nonetheless, I feel like I should try and write it anyway. I would love to get back into some freelance work again also. So yes, let’s see what comes out of me. I am not going to give myself any restrictions or guidelines. I am just going to write and see what happens…
This week I attended a Cork hospital for a day procedure. As someone who doesn’t bode very well with anything remotely health related I was quite daunted by the prospect. However, from the moment I stepped in the doors the staff were incredible. From admissions right through to the doctors and nurses performing the procedure I couldn’t fault one of them. When I arrived first and was waiting in the ward which was busy with day admissions I was sitting somewhat nervously looking around. One nurse spotted me and must have been able to read my mind and sense I was a bit out of my depth. She came over to speak to me and we ended up chatting for quite some time and not on everyday items but on really personal topics and she opened up my eyes even further about my own situation. She was positive and open minded and gave me some advice I will definitely think about. Following that I had several medical staff including final year medical students who took background history. I had nurses taking my weight, height, bloods, blood pressure, explaining my procedure and what would happen and everything in between. That particular nurse reminded me that in theatre it can be a little daunting but to remember I could ask questions at any point and that I was the most important person in the room. I found just the awareness of this so encouraging and by awareness I mean just the knowledge that this can be a daunting process for some. As I was waiting to go to my procedure and taking it all in I was reminded of just how incredible those at the forefront of our health service are. The nurses, doctors, surgeons, admin staff and all those on the ground in our hospitals are remarkable people. It’s something you know in the back of your mind but when you see it you’re truly reminded of it. Their kindness, approachability, knowledge, care and professional manner is something I have so much respect for. Watching the nursing staff trying to juggle breaks while ensuring everyone both pre and post procedure were ok was another reminder of just how understaffed our health system is and I hope that in the future we will be able to remedy that.
I could speak about this all day but I really did want to acknowledge that our medical staff deserve every piece of credit for how they have adapted and managed over the last 18 months and deserve everything and more that they campaign for to improve conditions, pay and acknowledgment. I just hope that our Government listen and deliver a better environment for our health care system and for those who keep it afloat. A friend of the family also welcomed their first child in recent weeks and they also praised the staff at the Rotunda for just how amazing they were. I know my experience is just one story but thank you to all our medical staff for continuing to provide the level of care you do in highly challenging circumstances.
Working in the media has always been a dream of mine. For some reason, it’s the only industry that ever really appealed to me. After college, I really didn’t have the discipline to settle straight into a journalism role. Instead, I chose to choose the wild card and take my chances travelling. In the back of my mind though, writing was always the career I wanted and it still is. At this point in time I don’t see that changing. I remember doing a project in Transition year about a career of our choice and I chose to do that on Journalism as well. After certainly taking the long road around I am delighted to say that I couldn’t be happier with how the last few months have gone.
As a writer not everyone will like your writing style, the topics you write about and some will believe you’re writing is below par. I have had people over the years criticise my writing. Some who I think genuinely wanted me to improve, and to all those who’ve given me constructive criticism I am very appreciative. To those who told me certain publications will print anything to try to belittle or discourage me and keep me down I am glad I ignored you.
Over the last few months I have been published on Gloss.ie, Image.ie and in The Gloss Magazine. Speaking predominantly on mental health issues, migraine and well-being, these are areas I feel comfortable writing about particularly when I can draw on my own experiences. I was also asked to speak on the Jennifer Zamparelli Show on 2FM as a result of one the above articles where I spoke about my decision to try medication to manage my anxiety. Following that I also spoke on 96FM on the same topic. Finally, The Gloss, published a piece I wrote on managing migraine in the July/August issue which went out with the Irish Times on July 1st. These are all things I could only have dreamed of happening and to say that it was a whirlwind of a few months would be an understatement. I am thrilled with reaching these goals and I hope I can continue to make my way in a competitive industry.
This week I wasn’t sure what to write about. I could have gone for something heavy but instead I am going to keep it light this week. The start of the week really was a case of pathetic fallacy for me and probably so many others in Ireland. We were drowned from endless rain and winds that seemed like they would blow the house down much like the wolf in the 3 little pigs. It was dismal outside and reflected exactly how I was feeling about the leaking of 9 more weeks of lockdown. Having watched Micháel Martin on the 6 O clock news this week I was deflated sitting on the couch as he confirmed that we are indeed not going or doing anything until at least April 5th. The speech was long overdue to a nation completely and utterly fatigued from restrictions particularly as this weekend marks one year since the first case of covid was confirmed in the Republic. However, as the week went on, and indeed this morning, some brighter skies have found their way here. The difference it makes to see some sunshine is keeping me going these days. Not only does it keep us encouraged to get out and keep walking but it just makes it easier to be in this state of limbo.
The fake nails have become a fixture for me the last 2 weeks. Again, something so small is giving me a little lift. I’ll be the first to admit that working from home everyday has led to me getting stuck in a bit of a rut. I looked in my wardrobe recently and had actually forgotten half the clothes I owned. Normally, I would be picking out bits and pieces to wear to the office but since that has stopped I have been in rotation with the same leggings, hoodies and the occasional pair of jeans! Putting on make up, fake nails and a pair of heels every now and then reminds me of a time when we had the luxury of going for dinner in a restaurant, meeting friends or imagine even going for a dance. Seems like another life right about now. This period of restrictions or lockdown 3.0 as these lockdowns have become known has seen the biggest impact on the mental health of so many people and despite the reminders that there is help out there for people you just have to wonder is it going to cut it? Are those supports enough?
This week was one where I struggled a bit with concentration. I walked a lot.. Normally I would probably walk 5 out of the 7 days but this week was every day. The brighter evenings have given me a glimmer of hope of a different time but overall I have to admit I am struggling with remaining positive. It is difficult to remain patient with everything, the vaccine roll out seems to be crawling but I obviously understand there are going to be issues with supply and demand. I am frustrated with the government in terms of travel laws with new variants and the every day person here abiding to restrictions while their own mental health diminishes is just not good enough in my eyes. I was speaking with a friend during the week and we both described how we feel like life is just on hold and that in 2022 we’ll look back and wonder where the last 2 years went and what we did. It is becoming increasingly difficult to have faith in the authorities when there are rumours of leaks of a further 9 week lockdown. It is ridiculous. I don’t see people abiding by it if I am honest.
Anyway, on another note this week I began a poetry writing workshop run by Cork County Council. The poet who is running it is Matthew Geden and there are 15 of us in the course. I have to admit this is something which is very far outside of my comfort zone. I shy away from writing situations where by work is openly critiqued in front of you despite me knowing it will be good for me as a writer. Nonetheless I read something out over Zoom. I think that made it a bit easier actually, I just looked down at the paper and read it having the comfort of knowing I was the only one physically in the room. There are a further 9 weeks, every Friday evening so I am curious as to how I will find it as the weeks go on. It was a bit intimidating listening to others speak so confidently and articulate their thoughts so well. They seemed like seasoned professionals while I floundered like the newbie that I am in this setting! Either way, I was very proud of myself for reading out a piece that had been written in 10 minutes. By no means a masterpiece but a memory on paper for sure!
I am sitting on my bed listening to Today FM, looking at the combo of white roses and pink tulips I got this morning and watching the rain relentlessly fall! Yes, Valentines Day is here and I am looking forward to a day of very little. It will involve spending the morning working on my writing, the afternoon watching the rugby and seeing my Mom and dinner probably followed by 2 episodes of my new obsession of Drive to Survive – the Formula 1 show on Netfllix.
This week I wanted to do a piece on taking a chance every now and then. Sometimes we can be afraid to put ourselves out there. The fear of rejection particularly when you are trying to break into media and have your voice heard can be daunting. After all, you are just one in many many aspiring writers who is trying to get noticed. There have been a few times in the past when I have gotten to the door of media companies, knocked, gotten an answer but never quite got my foot in the door. It is very frustrating because as cheesy as it sounds media has always been the industry I have constantly gone back to. I don’t know what it is about it but I just want to write and reach people. I love writing about my own experiences and when I find that someone has read the piece and I have managed to capture not just my experience but also theirs. That means something! It makes us realise that we can connect on a level we were afraid to before. Writing is my way of talking about the things that sometimes we are afraid to talk out loud about.
Every now and then my writing gets put on the back burner as I earn a living elsewhere but it continues to be what I always come back to. Constant rejection or lack of responses can make it easy to put the idea of writing on the shelf but I think sometimes you just have to keep going, look for your own opportunities to be heard. It only takes one person to read something you have written and like it, one person to pick up an article and think there could be something more there. Perhaps I am delusional and If I am so be it! But I would encourage everyone to take a chance this week because you never know where your luck is.
So as we get through another week in what has truly become what seems like a never ending cycle of monotony I decided I would try to make more of an effort to post more regularly on my website and try to improve the website itself. So at times these posts may be topic specific and other times it’s quite likely to be a brain dump of thoughts, emotions and anything else that my fingers type. Sometimes I don’t like to think too much but just let the fingers hit whatever keys they are drawn too.
The working week started ok on Monday. I am very lucky to be in a position that I still have my job and am working full time. That is something I am not taking for granted in the current climate. I would be misleading you though if the week was smooth sailing. As many know, I have always suffered with anxiety and I was very much triggered this week by the stories around the Cervical check. Health anxiety is undoubtedly one of the areas of anxiety where I really struggle and although I am aware of it, it can be very difficult to pre-empt when you are about to read, see or hear something which is going to trigger you. I had heard stories on the news on the hour every hour and the following day I read a story on Instagram. The only way to describe it is as if someone or something is punching you in the stomach making you want to vomit and remove the fear which is now lodged in your gut. You then freeze, you know something isn’t quite right, and no matter how many anxiety spirals or panic attacks you may have had it still takes a while to realise what is happening. For 2 hours I recounted symptoms, past test results, doctors visits and any other piece of information I could think of. That evening I collapsed onto my bed mentally and physically drained. I have begun taking medication to help ease my anxiety. It’s something I have avoided for a long time because I was very much afraid of what people thought and if it made me less of a “success” for not being able to manage it on my own despite many other methods I try to use to ease it. I gave in because I am tired. I am exhausted actually from constantly battling and putting out fires in my head. The first time I recall fear and anxiety was when I was 4 years old. I am now 32 and know that the levels of anxiety are unsustainable. I began to think can I have a better quality of life than this? I don’t want to constantly be living in fear. I don’t want it for myself or for my loved ones around me. I know how difficult it can be for the people around us to see people they care about struggling and unable to help so I decided enough. I am only 3 weeks in so at the moment I am still working on seeing what works for me. While I would prefer not to be on medication long term right now I am focusing on trying to get some relief. The struggles of the pandemic have exposed all of our vulnerabilities leaving nowhere to hide, no social environments, no usual routines to distract and complete lack of control over what is gong on around us. For now I try to only focus on the day I am in. I don’t always succeed but.. so be it! Until next week!
As the memorable year of 2020 comes to a close we find ourselves in that old familiar territory of a New Year. It is no surprise that for 2021 we are all hoping for a world more reminiscent of the normality we once knew. The overused phrase of the year “the new normal” is something we are all well accustomed to and while a vaccine brings hope and a bit of light at the end of what has been a very long dark tunnel, I do think that somethings have changed permanently. People have really looked at what it is they want this year and I think the pandemic has prompted us to change things that no longer work for us, to shed the skin we no longer need and move more towards our goals. Perhaps I am speaking out of turn there and should change the sentence to state the pandemic has prompted me. It has allowed me to evaluate where I am going and what I need to do in order to reach my own aspirations. I am still making decisions to hopefully move in that direction but I think getting to where I am now has been the biggest decision. I am nervous but fear can bring great rewards too and I try to remember how some of the best decisions I have made in the past have been the ones that scared me. With that in mind I wish everyone all the best for 2021 and hope I can see everyone who I have not been able to this year in the new one!
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