This week…Vulnerabilities

So as we get through another week in what has truly become what seems like a never ending cycle of monotony I decided I would try to make more of an effort to post more regularly on my website and try to improve the website itself. So at times these posts may be topic specific and other times it’s quite likely to be a brain dump of thoughts, emotions and anything else that my fingers type. Sometimes I don’t like to think too much but just let the fingers hit whatever keys they are drawn too.

The working week started ok on Monday. I am very lucky to be in a position that I still have my job and am working full time. That is something I am not taking for granted in the current climate. I would be misleading you though if the week was smooth sailing. As many know, I have always suffered with anxiety and I was very much triggered this week by the stories around the Cervical check. Health anxiety is undoubtedly one of the areas of anxiety where I really struggle and although I am aware of it, it can be very difficult to pre-empt when you are about to read, see or hear something which is going to trigger you. I had heard stories on the news on the hour every hour and the following day I read a story on Instagram. The only way to describe it is as if someone or something is punching you in the stomach making you want to vomit and remove the fear which is now lodged in your gut. You then freeze, you know something isn’t quite right, and no matter how many anxiety spirals or panic attacks you may have had it still takes a while to realise what is happening. For 2 hours I recounted symptoms, past test results, doctors visits and any other piece of information I could think of. That evening I collapsed onto my bed mentally and physically drained. I have begun taking medication to help ease my anxiety. It’s something I have avoided for a long time because I was very much afraid of what people thought and if it made me less of a “success” for not being able to manage it on my own despite many other methods I try to use to ease it. I gave in because I am tired. I am exhausted actually from constantly battling and putting out fires in my head. The first time I recall fear and anxiety was when I was 4 years old. I am now 32 and know that the levels of anxiety are unsustainable. I began to think can I have a better quality of life than this? I don’t want to constantly be living in fear. I don’t want it for myself or for my loved ones around me. I know how difficult it can be for the people around us to see people they care about struggling and unable to help so I decided enough. I am only 3 weeks in so at the moment I am still working on seeing what works for me. While I would prefer not to be on medication long term right now I am focusing on trying to get some relief. The struggles of the pandemic have exposed all of our vulnerabilities leaving nowhere to hide, no social environments, no usual routines to distract and complete lack of control over what is gong on around us. For now I try to only focus on the day I am in. I don’t always succeed but.. so be it! Until next week!

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