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Something I have been thinking a lot about lately is friendships and earlier in the week I spotted a piece on the Irish Times which captured pretty well what I was contemplating. It was a compelling read and further reiterated how I was feeling.  Friendships are a very tricky business, they require effort, give and take, mutual support and respect.

Someone once said to me that new friends are like silver but old ones are like gold. At the time I was in my second year of college and was certainly feeling the inevitable drift from childhood friendships. They were the only friendships I had ever known and was struggling with the fact that realistically they weren’t going to last forever, even when I thought they would. However, I do think it’s also important to acknowledge that friendships will go through phases where people drift away from and sometimes… back to each other again.That was all going on when I was in my early twenties. Now, at 27, I find myself going through a similar experience.

As humans we all need friendship, we need the social interaction but at what point do we acknowledge the difference between a genuine friendship and that which is now a just formality. There comes a point when people stop being part of current circle of friends and gradually drift into the past. So how long should we hold onto the mediocre treatment  just to hold onto a friendship? There is no straight forward answer, it’s a personal decision and very much depends on how much a person is willing to put up with. Over the past two years or so I have become much more self aware. As a result, I have begun to treat myself with much more respect and kindness. In turn, I now notice much more quickly when there is a disconnect within a friendship, or when I feel someone isn’t treating me well. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t throw in the towel right away, but my tolerance for what other people deem to be a friendship and the amount I am willing to put up with is far far less. I think as we get older and more self assured the thought of shedding friends isn’t as daunting as it once was. There was a time when I would hold on to even the most toxic of friendships just for the sake of it but thankfully, that is now becoming a thing of the past.

I don’t think there is any one reason why friendships end but the direction in which our lives go is a massive part of it, in my opinion anyway. Different experiences in our lives shape who we are. They influence our qualities and characteristics, our decisions, our outlook, how we behave, how we treat others and so on. Our life experiences mould us and while we can still have friendly catch ups with those we grew up with or knew from a different era in our lives, can we really open up to them about our current situations and know that they can relate to us? or at the very least, empathise.

Inevitably as we get older our responsibilities increase. Chances are we will face a lot more adversity and it is in these times that you will very quickly separate your friends from those you thought were friends or perhaps, used to be. You can give and give and give to a friendship and sometimes you just have to accept that you no longer have enough in common to sustain it. That doesn’t mean that you will never be close again, it just means that at that particular time you have drifted. It may stick or it may not. Either way it’s a natural part of life and while it can be difficult at times to let go of friends sometimes it’s far better for yourself. Although some may read this and think it is somewhat harsh I have learned the hard way on more than one occasion that if you don’t look after yourself, not many other people will. At different points in life we look for different qualities in people and people we can relate to. Unfortunately, it’s not always who we thought it would be.

There are so many sayings about friendships. Just one is that you can tell a lot about a person by the friends that they keep or that your friends are the family you choose. Ultimately we all need friends but not at the expense of being treated poorly.

Whether you love it or loathe it social media is here to stay. It has become part of our day to day lives and is used not only in our personal lives but also in many of our business lives. There are very few people who don’t have some kind of social media presence especially with the range and choice of social media platforms continuously growing.

My first interaction with social media was Bebo. In hindsight, it seems like it was fairly innocent compared to what social media profiles have become in the last few years. I joined Facebook in my second year of college and was about 20 years old. Today, I still have my Facebook profile, as well as a Twitter account, LinkedIn and an instagram account. I will admit I also go through bouts of binging on the wonderful world of Pinterest. Snapchat is not my friend and despite two attempts of downloading and deleting it I have made my peace that this one is simply not for me.

Social media does of course have benefits. It’s a fantastic way for businesses to reach potential new customers, charities to raise awareness of events and groups of people to arrange meet ups and so on. However, social media is also a very toxic environment. Strangely addictive, social media enables us to keep up to date with family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances lives. It all seems ideal but it can become quite negative when we begin to compare our own lives with that of those who fill our news feeds. Similar to other forms of media, social media can be used to frame a story, promote certain thinking or fuel a perception of a particular lifestyle. It empowers the user to portray their life exactly as they want to be seen. We see the glamorous nights out, the exotic holidays, the job promotions, the weddings and so on. It’s only natural that when we see people doing all this that we can soon feel inferior or insecure in our own achievements. It can impact significantly on our self esteem and confidence. At this point it becomes necessary to take a step back and realise that people choose exactly what information they post, and more importantly, that which they don’t.

I feel very grateful that for the most part I have grown up in a social media free world. The teenagers of today not only have usual adolescent issues to manage but also that of an online world which makes them increasingly vulnerable and susceptible to intimidation, bullying and other dangers.Celebrity culture adds another dimension to the social media conundrum. Celebrities have always been influential but we now see them not only in traditional media but through most social media channels, apps and online sources. Everywhere people turn there is more and more reminders of what is expected of us aesthetically and in our lives in general. Information and images are filtered to us. This can be difficult for adults but even more so for teenagers, who can be far more impressionable. There is all this to deal with and that’s before we even think about the horrific bullying which takes place through social media. Trolls hide behind their screens tormenting others, this was virtually unheard of before social media became such a dominant presence in society.

Social media is aimed at bringing people together, connecting us with those we may have lost touch with and to make it easier to maintain contact with those we are close with. Does it do all this? Yes. Unfortunately, it also does much more. The backlash of social media can be intense and affect people in may different ways. It seems we all now only go to events, holidays or concerts to take the pictures to share on social media to see how many likes we get. You would have to wonder how we ever managed with disposable cameras, handing them into the chemist and not to mention not having a filter built in to enhance a not so perfect snap. Where it with all end is difficult to say but I think we could all do with a digital detox every now and then, just to remind us of life pre social media and the pressure that it brings.

Last weekend I decided I would try and push myself outside my comfort zone. Anyone who knows me well will probably know that the idea of being in open water is something I find completely terrifying. I can swim, but would be strictly average and that would only be in a pool. The ocean is a whole other ball game. As soon as I find I can’t put my feet on the ground, I panic. So, what better way to try and conquer that but to put myself in a currach in the sea!

I’ll back track slightly. A friend from work, who is heavily involved in rowing, had been speaking about her experiences. It sounded like hard work but great fun at  the same time. She managed to convince me to try it. It seemed like a good idea, especially as there was a slot on Saturday mornings for novice rowers to try it out. Unfortunately, the session was cancelled but instead I decided to go along with her to the Baltimore Wooden Boat Festival. I thought, this will be a nice relaxing way to spend my Sunday. I hadn’t been to Baltimore before and had only ever heard good things about it so off we set at 8 am Sunday morning.

We arrived down about 10 am and the weather could not have been better. Before I knew what was what I was told I was going to be a pilot in a pilot race. I had absolutely no idea what this entailed but from the descriptions I figured it had to be something somewhat dangerous. I was given a life jacket for good measure though and was assured I would be fine. A pilot race involves a number of currachs racing out to a number of sail boats. Each currach has a pilot which has to jump from the currach to the sail boat. The sail boats then sail out to a certain point while the currachs race back to shore and out again to collect their pilot. My long jump skills came into good use and it was actually very enjoyable. Although, I did nearly get a smack of an oar in the head in the excitement of it all but just about avoided it 🙂 Happy to see dry land again, I thought well that was a good start to getting over my fear of water. However, what awaited me next was far and beyond my comfort zone!

Sherkin Island is about thirty minutes away from Baltimore and as the day was so beautiful it was decided that is where we would head. I think I would have just about managed that journey without too much panic until I found out we were going out to the harbour to see if we could spot some Baskan sharks that were around. Of course, in theory I thought, lovely idea, until I was floating in the currach in what to me seemed like the middle of the ocean. Terror was plastered on my face. My friend’s daughter will certainly vouch for that. I tried to hide the fear by looking calmly at the foot of the boat but I couldn’t stop myself from clinging to the side. The bobbing ocean reminded me all too well of my fear, how vast the the sea is and how vulnerable I feel in open water. Shortly after we decided to head back towards Sherkin having not caught any glimpse of the Baskan sharks but much too our delight, we spotted three on our way back. We had gone out to find them but it seemed they had come in further. It was an incredible experience to see them and that alone made my fear of the water worthwhile. Having watched them for some time we headed to Sherkin for lunch and some much needed relaxation. The views were incredible and with the sun shining it was hard to leave.

Back at Baltimore, there was still crowds of people enjoying the festival and the good weather. We were the first boat back and managed to sit and relax for a while as the others returned. Shortly after, the boats were loaded and we made our way back home. It was a great day with plenty of firsts. First time in a currach, first time jumping from a currach to a sail boat and back again, first time seeing Baskan sharks in their natural habitat and first time stepping foot on Sherkin. It certainly was a fantastic day but whether or not I will get back into a currach remains to be seen. Watch this space!

As I get older I have to wonder to what extent as humans we can overcome grief. Described as intense sorrow, it can be difficult to capture exactly what is felt. Sorrow is a massive part of it yes, but what people tend to forget are the hundreds of other emotions that go along with it. Frustration, fear, anger, pain, regret, disappointment, rage, helplessness, confusion, shock, longing, panic, the list is endless. They all combine to form an overwhelming concoction.

The thing about grief is, I don’t think any two people experience it in the exact same way. It’s a very personal journey, although I don’t particularly like referring to it as a journey. With the ability to lay dormant within you for years you never really know when grief will come to the surface. The thing about dormancy is it can awaken at any time much like a volcano. Laying silent for years but the reality is the pain has to go somewhere, sometime.

It’s difficult to try and explain to someone that of course you felt saddness and grief for all those years but trying to convey that now the pain is much more real is impossible. The most realistic way I can put it is to imagine being punched in the stomach at full force without a moments warning. It’s a sharp sudden jab which can happen at any time. There are times when the emotion is so overbearing it can quite literally leave you breathless.

For me and my grief, although I was obviously aware of it, I don’t believe I ever really felt it for the first 10-12 years. Certainly not consistently anyway. Sure, I would have down days but they would pass. Now, it’s much more at the surface on a daily basis. It’s present and even the most subtle everyday things will remind you of the stark reality that is grief. A name, an event, a song, sound, a smell, anything can transport you back to another moment, vividly.

I believe different life events act almost like silent triggers. Completely unrelated events can stir up very real emotions and connections. For me breaking up with my first boyfriend was a trigger. It was what prompted me to look a little deeper and figure out why I felt the way I did and sure enough there was a much bigger reason backing up my emotions.

There are of course the different stages of grief and some argue there these run in a certain order. I completely disagree. Yes there is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance but I don’t believe there is one particular order to feel these in. You can jump from one to the other, progress three steps and go back four. One day you feel like you have accepted it and the next the frustration and anger can be so powerful it becomes unbearable.

Does it ever really leave you? Personally I don’t think so, because the reality is a massive part of your life has changed and you can never get it back. Even as I write this I can feel the stinging pain of grief. I believe grief grows and evolves with you. It’s there with you by your side and sometimes it can be the darkest cloud over you and then some days you feel a sense of something greater, that that person you lost is still next to you, in their own way.

With all of this being said I honestly don’t think the pain of grief can be put into words. When you lose someone you realise all the roles that one person filled. In my case it was a father to three sons and a daughter, a husband of over 25 years, a son, a brother, a best friend, a world class mechanic to name just a few. The everyday absence can’t be ignored. The love, guidance, support, friendship and other amazing qualities that we would never have gone without can only be thought about it. One source of solace I do believe in is that we can carry on at least some of his legacy by practising the traits and values he taught us and regardless of religious beliefs know that he is living within us and as long as that is the case, he is alive in some way.

I always remember being in primary school and looking at the students in 6th class and thinking to myself, wow they are so big. When you’re four, a twelve year old can look pretty impressive and well, “together”. They know exactly how the school works, what teachers are the strictest, what all the school tours are like and how to do the hardest homework. Yup, they have it sussed. Equally, when I hit the age of about 16 and looked at people in their mid twenties I thought the exact same thing. They’ve got a great job, they’ve travelled, have a house and are on the way to marriage. The reality on the other hand was probably very different, in at least some cases anyway. As someone who is now at that point, or maybe I should say late twenties as opposed to mid, the reality is once again quite different. I blame watching the sitcom Friends for many of  my expectations!

As the year roles on and we enter the month of May I had to wonder is anyone really as “together” as what they appear to be. Thanks to the selective world of social media we can all portray whatever kind of lifestyle we want to. Any time we go off on an amazing holiday, win something, land our dream job, get a new car or whatever the event may be, chances are you’ll see it in some shape or form through social media. Of course, no body is going to post about the fantastic commute to work, or the day they failed an exam in college or the day they got dumped. Nope, social media will more often than not lead you to believe that you are living a far less exciting life than your peers. Rest assured, in the majority of cases, this is just an illusion.

Ideally we would all love to have our dream job and be paid millions to do it but there is a lot of competition out there and I am a believer that timing can be a crucial influence. Sometimes being in the right place at the right time can be more important than you think. Again, living in an amazing apartment in the city with one or two of your best friends would be perfect. Enter reality – your friends are now scattered all over the world thanks to the economy and the cost of rent is near that of a mortgage. But no, you can’t get a mortgage on your own place either because you are expected to save 20% as a deposit. Good times. Finally, there’s the dating scene..that’s a whole other blog post!

Things are never as easy as what they seemed when we were looking in from the outside. The reality is that life gets a lot harder the older you get and chances are most people are just making it up as they go along. Personally, I have gone through a lot of jobs in my twenties so far and have dealt with a lot of different types of people, I have lived in Asia and Europe, I have done some travelling but no where near as much as I want to, I have graduated twice, I have achieved some of my goals but am still climbing my way towards more. I have been in love but haven’t found THE love. I have learned masses about myself and will continue to learn more. Every experience has brought me to the point I am at now. When you fill out your CAO form when you’re 17 you are expected to know exactly what you want to do with your life. Writing has always been what I wanted to do (in some shape or form) so I kind of got it right, but taking a few detours along the way has certainly made the story a lot more fun to write about.  In truth, am I where I thought I would be at twenty-seven? probably not, but I’ll keep going and I can always just tell myself thirty is the new twenty!

The past week saw the 12th edition of Cork World Book Fest take place. The five day festival celebrates all things reading and writing by holding various workshops, readings, question and answer panels, author visits and so much more. I hadn’t attended the festival before but was intrigued by one event in particular which took place on Saturday morning, April 23rd. When I arrived at Cork City Library I wasn’t quite sure what to expect but there was a room full of aspiring writers of all ages and at various stages of their writing career. I hadn’t realised how lucky I was to be living so near as people had travelled from much further distances to attend. The morning basically consisted of two parts, an agent panel, and secondly an author panel.

The agent panel segment was chaired by Vanessa O’ Loughlin of writing.ie and it gave an informative insight into the world of publishing and agents. Simon Trewin of WME London and Polly Nolan of The Greenhouse Literary Agency were the guests. I had never really delved into the whole aspect of agents and publishers and was naive to how complex book deals can be. The importance of having a good relationship with your agent was one crucial piece of advice which was emphasised throughout. You need to make sure the fit between both parties is right and choosing an agent isn’t something you should rush into. Unfortunately rejection is a part of the process but the general consensus on this was that the awful r word should be banned. They gave an interesting account of some of the most common mistakes people make when submitting work from not checking submission criteria to unbelievably not spell checking their emails. The one piece of advice that stood out for me from this portion of the event was that when you have finished your writing, be it a novel, an essay or a poem, put it in a drawer for six months and then take it out and re-read it. The mistakes will be glaring you in the face, change it, and only then should you submit your work.

The second part of the morning was the highlight for me. Three successful authors including Hazel Gaynor, Alana Kirk and Elizabeth Murray gave an insight into how they became published authors. Each read a section from their work to give a taste of their writing and shared their stories on their route to being published. It was inspiring to hear that there is no one way to being published as each had a different tale on how they got to where they are now. Insider tips were shared with the group also from advice on blogging, your brand, self-publishing and how to build your confidence. The importance of reading and assessing why writing is good was another point that I took from the morning. Analysing and thinking about why a sentence works and observing how others structure their sentences will all contribute to you becoming a better writer yourself. The necessity of finding your own style of writing was also discussed and left me wondering what exactly is my style? I can never quite summarise for people if I am asked what I like writing about because there is no one topic in particular.

I left the event feeling a renewed sense of passion for writing and thoroughly enjoyed the morning. Cork World Book Fest put together a fantastic programme of events and I will certainly be attending again next year having hopefully gotten one step closer to the dream.

When I was younger, much younger, I always had long hair. For my first holy Communion my hair reached to the middle of my  back. I wore it half up and half down as they used to call it. Right after my communion I got the chop. It was the first time I got a drastic haircut and the length went from my back right up to my neck. Ever since, I have gone through the back and forth regime of having long hair, short hair, long hair and back again but long was never quite as long as what it was when I was seven. Recently, I got the chop again and took a good two inches off the length. It wasn’t quite as drastic as the cut I got in 2010 when my hair dresser got a little scissors happy which makes this cut perfect! It highlights the balyage more, has more body and volume and is far healthier. I think I have been converted and will be sticking with lob length for the foreseeable!

The modern world of dating can be complicated to say the least. The days of meeting your boyfriend or girlfriend at the local dance hall are but a distant memory confined to our parents generation, with the odd exception perhaps. When we hear the tales of romance from those days gone by it all seems so much simpler. There was no such thing as swiping left or right, writing a bio on how fabulous you are (without sounding too confident) or navigating your way through the seas of plenty of fish. The grass does seem greener! And that’s all before we even look at the social scene in Ireland.

It’s no surprise that Ireland’s social scene is fuelled largely by alcohol which of course has a knock on effect when it comes to meeting a potential partner on a night out. Our culture tends to nurture the whole concept of needing a bit of “dutch courage” which is fine within reason but unfortunately we weren’t really taught about moderation. The Irish dating scene, if you could even call it that, revolves around going out and hopefully “getting the shift” and if you actually like the person you hope the system repeats itself. After an unspecified amount of time the situation might evolve into a relationship but not before you have the awkward boyfriend/girlfriend conversation… which usually occurs again after a night out! Complicated enough as it is isn’t it? Enter online dating.

The rise of online dating is undeniable. The world of smart phones and countless new apps has us swiping left, right, centre, diagonal and God knows what else. Depending on your app of choice you choose your potential dates on an either a bio (which can vary from two words to an essay) or simply by looking at a picture. Neither options are ideal really. When you see an image of someone you have no idea what that person is like. You have no idea of their values, opinions or outlook. Then on the other hand you have a biography to read. Most people will choose to avoid this by writing as little as possible but you will of course have a few who give you an in depth analysis. The positive from this is that at least you get a minor insight into the person’s hobbies and interests. Striking up a conversation is the next obstacle. Who should message first? What do you say? How long before you actually muster up the courage to ask the person to meet? Will it be awkward? It’s a minefield.

There are plenty who say the best way to meet someone is to just stop looking. That if you go about your day to day life just when you least expect it that’s when you’ll be swept off your feet. For the moment I think it has to be some kind of combination of all of the above. With the rise of online dating blurring with the messy social scene there will of course be pros and cons. One positive outcome could be that we begin to see less reliance on alcohol in the world of Irish dating and more comfort with sober alternatives. Having coffee or doing a fun activity might even become the norm as opposed to going for drinks. Television shows like the compelling “First Dates” should also bring a fresh insight and hopefully encourage us to be braver with the world of blind dating.

We will have to wait and see how it all progresses and for now continue to navigate our way through the single life!

So up until this point I have been somewhat of a yogi, but having dipped my toe into ballet barre I think I might just be hooked.

I had heard of the class and the workout here and there in the celebrity world but decided I would seek out a class in Cork after my friend tried it out in London and loved it.

There are a few places throughout the city that do the class but I chose to go to Wolfe stage school in Dosco Industrial estate. Of course, it was week 8 of an 8 week term so I had to hit the ground running on my first night as the others in the class put into practice everything they had learned over the last two months. Luckily for me, the instructor did take it easy on me and allowed me to take one or two short cuts!

So what is it? Ballet Barre is a fusion of pilates and ballet exercises. The class also incorporates some yoga poses (which was helpful as something was familiar to me) along with weights. The class, which was an hour long,  was the perfect mix of work and fun. I found myself enjoying it more than yoga which I hadn’t expected, but because it pushed me that bit more than yoga, I felt great after it. The endorphins were definitely flowing. The classes aim to give you a dancers body and who knows, I might discover there was a ballerina lost in me.

I can’t wait for the next class!

Self compassion is something we are hearing more and more of in recent times. I suppose you could say it has become a bit of a buzz term particularly in a time where practices like mindfulness and meditation have become much more mainstream. Self awareness is something which society is slowly opening up to and I for one think this is a fantastic step forward.

There are many people out there, myself included, who suffer with anxiety. Self awareness and self compassion are things I have had to learn over the past couple of years and as a result I can now manage anxiety a lot more effectively. I know what triggers it and recognise my own patterns (at least most of the time) but there will be times when I miss the signs and this is when self compassion becomes most important. The reality is that none of us are perfect, we all have flaws and we need to learn to forgive ourselves when we slip up. Just to be clear, I’m not saying this gives you licence to go out and be a self centred individual with no consideration for other people. What I am saying is that it’s okay to treat ourselves nicely, and I think Irish people in particular normally don’t. It seems that growing up in Ireland you are almost conditioned to be harsh on yourself. If someone compliments you, chances are you are going to deflect away from it in some way, belittle it, or do whatever it takes to simply get the attention away from yourself. Emotionally beating yourself up is commonplace and something most of us are guilty of, but it doesn’t really get you anywhere. We need to acknowledge our errors yes, but then we need to accept that we made the mistake, remember it for the future and move on.

Self compassion is basically learning to be nicer to yourself. Eating well, getting rest, exercising, knowing your limits with alcohol, actually going to sleep when you’re tired. All sound very obvious I know but you would be surprised at how much people tend to take these things for granted. Those are the physical aspects but the emotional ones are just as important. Recognising when you should and shouldn’t put yourself in certain situations is also crucial. Often people will put themselves in such an emotionally vulnerable situation where absolutely no good can come from it. They go ahead and do it anyway expecting a different outcome when in reality all that’s going to come of it is an experience that is totally detrimental to their own emotional well-being. Looking back on my own experiences I have undoubtedly put myself in scenarios where I was never going to win, and I didn’t. Did I learn? Yes! But they are situations I would never put myself into again, I wouldn’t even consider it. It baffles me now that I did them at all.  Furthermore, realising the connection between your physical well being and the impact it has on your emotional state is something I have become increasingly aware of. The influence they have on each other is not to be underestimated.

People like Bressie are fantastic ambassadors for the topic of mental fitness and he doesn’t shy away from the reality of the situation. He is certainly fighting an uphill battle when some leaders of our country are clearly completely ignorant to the day to day lives of people in this country. Their financial concerns, the pressure and the worries they face are real and contribute massively to issues like anxiety, not to mention the physical effects this has on people’s bodies.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that no one else is going to look after your emotional well being for you nor can you look after someone else’s. It’s up to each person for themselves to recognise their limits and learning some self compassion is a good place to start.