Strength in Weakness

The last few days have left me feeling a little strange. I’m not sure what brought it on but I suppose it could be a culmination of things. As some of you will know the last seven or eight months my migraines have become much more frequent. Migraine is a complex business with no two people having the exact same combination of triggers and symptoms. You simply have to work out what those triggers are and avoid them as best you can. You have to manage it. There’s plenty of information on migraine out there so I’m not going to ramble on too much about it. The only reason I mention it is because during the week I went to an acupuncturist for a consultation. I don’t want to be on medication for the migraine long term so my plan is to gradually come off it and hopefully control it through acupuncture and yoga. Not so coincidentally, 7 or 8 months ago was when I stopped practicing yoga on a regular basis. The consultation fascinated me because it confirmed something I had suspected as to why migraines had become more frequent and that is grief. Although 16 years has passed since my father died I know myself that processing that loss has only really begun in the last three or so years. The whole thing kind of overwhelmed me. It’s strange even for me to try and get my head around the fact that I’m trying to deal with something that happened over half my entire lifetime ago. Of course it isn’t solely responsible for the migraines and there are other factors too but I am a firm believer that the mental and emotional state we are in manifests itself physically. It is our bodies way of communicating with us. The point of this wasn’t for me to get too bogged down in what I’m feeling but to say that it’s ok not to feel strong all the time. We all have this external armor that we put on to go out and face the world but sometimes you just have to accept that we are human. Even during my yoga class this morning I didn’t feel as secure and confident as I normally would in certain postures. Yoga is interesting that way because if you really are distracted and not truly present in the class it tells in your ability to hold a pose with ease. At that point I just accepted it. Normally yoga makes me feel strong. Something as simple as achieving a more difficult pose gives me a boost and strengthens my self belief in other areas of my life. But today I just felt a little less in control but I figured… that’s fine. I’m not going to feel that way everyday. That’s just how I feel today and that’s ok.